What the heck is wrong with me? Lately all I want to do is cry... not for sadness, but for these bittersweet feeling I am having. Let's face it - I am going to be 40 - and not "some day" - I am going to be 40 in January. Am I having a mid life crisis? Is that what this is? I can't even look at my kids sometimes - they are so beautiful and I find myself counting my blessings everyday - sometimes several times a day. The uncertainty of life is a scary thought. What if this and what if that... what if I crash my car and leave my kids motherless??? What if that stranger lurking in the bathroom really is a danger to them??? What if all those video games really make them violent??? What if? I guess I just have to trust God and do the best I can. I pray ALL THE TIME that God gives me the wisdom to make the right choices so we all get through life safe and sound - but I also have to use the tools that God has already given me to follow through. My husband has become such a big support to me. It seems like the deeper I get into my "midlife crisis" the more he steps up to the plate. I hate to admit it, but sometimes he knows better than me (did I just really type that?). He is strong and concerned at the right times - so I find myself following his cues for when to panic and when to just chill out. The way my hubby sees it... crashing my car... "well with the way you drive", maybe I need to be more of a focused driver.... the strangers in the bathroom - "not so much" - although I will still probably stand outside of the door yelling... MOMMY IS RIGHT HERE GUYS!, the video games.... "you only let them play on the weekends! Chill out!" I guess I just have to look at the ratings and let it go! So is this a midlife crisis? I don't know. I guess it's better than getting a tattoo or becoming an obsessive gambler. Too bad my midlife crisis wasn't the one where you get a new car! For now - I'm sure I will still look at my kids and well up with tears. I will still worry and want the best for them. Maybe this midlife crisis is really just a realization that I don't have control over my life - that I really need to just give it over to God and let Him worry about the rest. That's so hard to do - but I am going to give it a good try. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
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