My Hot Spot

I am a New Yorker through and through - so why can't I get this feeling out of my head - that maybe I am a little displaced?  Maybe, just maybe I was meant to be someplace else.  My sister calls it my "Hot Spot".  She says that one day I will live in a "Hot Spot" and wear flowing clothes.  I think she is right.  I mean I love New York - but I am a tropical girl down at heart.  I love to vacation where there are palm trees and for my honeymoon I picked Hawaii.  I dream of Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain... wait that's a song - but you get the picture.  I wonder what the heck my grandparents were thinking when they decided to move... here!  I mean did they really leave their country, settle in the city and then take a train to Babylon and say... "OOOOOHHHHH Here - this is where I want to be - right here in the middle of nowhere".  I have heard my mother say that my grandmother choose NOT to live on the water because it wasn't safe.  Great choice grandma!  And the same goes for my husband's family.  They came from Italy, moved to the city and then took the train a little further - but not quite as far as the Hamptons - like 10 minutes shy of it... in Shirley - what were they thinking?  I am happy that I was brought up around family - I just wish the location was a little different... so as I write this I think of my children.  I am making the choices that write their story.  Am I making the right ones?  I know Angelo is a tropical boy, Salvatore just wants to fish and Vince would be happy nestled anywhere as long as he is next to me.  I think about my hot spot - where will it be?  Will I ever get there?  Or maybe my  hot spot just consists of a string of tropical vacations played out over time.  I don't know where the future will take us - I just hope we are together and that maybe, occasionally we can see a palm tree in the distance.

To Paumanok class of 2011

Today was graduation day!   I am so proud of all of the kids from Paumanok.  During the ceremony, they sang the song below.  It was so touching - the words are so true... especially from a child.  "I'm that little bit of hope - when my backs against the ropes."  They are our little bit of hope - our children.  I hope you enjoy the song. 

"The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
http://youtu.be/ssqOJ0s71S0


I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country

I am a river
Down in the valley
Oh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly

If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle

I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero

If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
And the world will notice a king
When all is darkest, I'll shine a light
And use a success you'll find in me

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

It's the greatest
Can you feel it
It's the greatest
Can you feel it

I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow

He's three days old!

I knew it was coming - I just knew it - but the relentless march of time got the best of me.  I was a new mother, and my son was three days old.  I was weepy and so hormonal that it was no wonder that I was crying... "He's three days old!" I cried to my sister.  She sat there looking at me - not yet a mother - but soon to be and said..."Yeah - he's only three days old..."  like she totally didn't get it - but I did.  9 months of pregnancy - GONE - hours of labor - OVER - and here he was and three days had passed ALREADY!  Where had the time gone - it was three days ALREADY!  I mourned the fact the he was so... old. 

I knew what this meant.  Three days would turn into three weeks then months then years and now...  I tried to savor every moment - the fading baby smell - the first tooth - first steps - and in a blur it went by.  Before I knew it - we had Angelo - years - then Vincent - years - we moved into a new home - years - 1st day of kindergarten! - years - he can swim now! - years - he plays the piano! - years - he is in 5th grade! WOW!  I can't believe it.  He is almost taller than me... his feet are bigger than mine - this sweet baby that was cradled in my arms - not that long ago... but years away.  Tomorrow he will graduate from elementary school and I know that the next few years will fly by and before I know it he will be graduating from High School - years.

I am so proud of him I can hardly stand it.  he is such a kind and gentle soul.  He is, as I call him, my "Best Big Boy".  He is a friend to everyone and does not see limitations in anyone he meets.  His catch word is GREAT!  Sal, how was school? GREAT - How was your day? GREAT - and he is great!  Always with a smile - always willing to help - always there to share a hearty laugh.  I love him as any mother would - but I LIKE him as a person too.  He is someone I would want to spend time with. 

I am so looking forward to the next few years with him - and to seeing where his life takes me.  I thank God for him and all of my boys and I am so in love with my life.  I just want to freeze this time - because before I know it... he'll be three days older.

Your will, not mine be done...

There is a verse in the bible from the book of Mark -"Abba, Father! You can do all things. Let me not have this cup {of suffering}. But do what you want, not what I want."

I think this may be one of the hardest verses in the Bible - for me anyway.  We have an awesome God who can do all things - but sometimes the things God wants are not what we want.  Sometimes what we ache for are things that are just not meant to be... they are just not God's will.  I truly believe that God does not want to see us suffer and I believe that He wants to give us what we want - but we are not God and we can't see the "BIG picture".  It is so hard!  

As a child I remember my heart aching for the coolest 10 speed bicycle and then as I got older my heart ached for the college acceptance letter I wanted - but as an adult... the aches are much more real - much more significant.  I try not to spend too much time asking for or praying for or wishing for material things.  I have most of what I want - God has been good to me - but there are things as an adult and a mother that I ache for.  I ache for my children - that they are safe and healthy - I ache for wanting to live to a ripe old age so I can see them live their lives.  I ache for my parents that they would take care of themselves so that they can enjoy those same things.  I ache or myself - when I make mistakes and ask for Gods forgiveness - when I am anxious - when I am scared.  I pray and ask for all of these things and then leave it to God to do His will.  And although every day that goes by it seems that my prayers have been answered, it is still hard to let go of the prayers and let God's will be done.  But I do it because I trust God.  

That being said... I have an old friend from college.  He was in one of the fraternities that our sorority hung out with.  We weren't great friends... just friends by default because our groups of friends were friends.  He has a child who is very sick.  There are thousands of people praying for him and his family - thousands - and his son is still sick.  It is so scary to pray for God's will on this one.  It's not that I don't trust God - I do and I know that He loves Ty more than anyone here on earth does - but what if God's will is not the will of the thousands here praying?  What if the outcomes don't match up?  What if God has a different plan?  It is hard to think about and this is not even my child... yet I feel like part of him is.  I am a mother - and watching this all play out tugs at my maternal nerves.  I read the posts about Ty and I am immediately connected to this child - just because I have children of my own.  I am not trying to say that I understand all that they are going through - not by a long shot - but the mom in me is scared.  This could be any child - this could be my child - and for the first time I am scared of God's will.  I ache for this child to be healed and I pray and I cry and my mind wanders to dark places and so I pray harder and harder.  But God's will will be done and we have to trust that He knows what's best.  We have to hope for the miracle and hope for the things that we want to be part of God's plan and then truly leave the rest to Him.  We have to let go of what we know and trust Him.  It is so hard!  It can be heartbreaking and frustrating and scary - but that is what we are called to do.  Let His will be done and accept it.    

I will pray with hope for Ty and his family and I will pray for peace and comfort and I will pray for understanding.  But I think the biggest thing I can pray for for them and for all of us is acceptance - not to give up - but acceptance that God has a plan and that His plan is perfect and we may not understand it... now... but He's got a plan!  He knows the desires of all of our hearts and He wants to give us what we want - maybe we just need to let go long enough so He can give it. 

 

My Own Little World

I have had a bad day.  It was nothing tragic - just a series of situations that made me think that I should have stayed in bed.  As I was wallowing around in my own self pity, I heard this song on the radio.  My Own Little World.  It is so true.  What if while I am so wrapped up in me, I am missing something like the song says.  I need to focus OUT today instead of in.  I think that is just the right prescription to get me out of this bad mood.  Hope you enjoy the song...

My Own Little World - by Matthew West

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts
I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
Yeah, it’s easy to do when it’s
Population: me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now

Outside my own little world oooh

Stopped at a red light, looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign, said “Help this homeless widow”
Above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, “God, what have I been doing?”

So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by?
So I gave her some money then I drove on through
And my own little world reached
Population two

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now

Outside my own little world yeah, yeah
 
My own little world oooh

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
That I could be living right now

I don't want to miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start livin right now

Outside my own little world oooh

Outside My own little world yeah yeah

Outside My own little world oooh

Nancy is soooo closed minded!

I think there is a fine line between having a firm belief in something and being closed minded.  People have, in the past, called me closed minded because of my faith.  I try so hard not to be and to really listen to others... but when you have such a strong belief in something, it's hard to accept that others may not agree with you.  I don't really want them to agree with me - I want them to experience what I have and to know the secure feeling that comes with my faith.  I want them to want to agree with me.  My faith has brought me so much comfort and has grounded me and my family so much and I think that is what alot of people are looking for these days.  I wish I knew of a way that I could show others how I feel... but the best way I can come up with is to be an example of what God is to me, to others.  It's not easy - and I screw up all the time - but if I can show it to even just one person, then I will be satisfied.  The gift of my faith is for everyone.  It is simple:  I am a true believer in the Bible as God's Holy Word.  I believe it to be true and infallible.  I believe that Jesus is the Son of God that died on a cross to save me from my sins.  I believe in Heaven and I know that I will go there someday.  Simple... yet so complicated too.  I can see how the world is so twisted... all different kinds of people believing all different kinds of things... and each one of them believing that theirs is the truth and the way that others should go.  It's hard because I don't want to alienate others by saying that they are wrong... it's just that I believe so strongly in my faith that they must be the ones who got it wrong... and so goes the world all twisted and confused.  I just know that with Christ on my side I am safe and I am loved and want everyone to feel that way.  Maybe I will always be seen as closed minded - and that's OK.  I will still try to be to others what Christ is to me and I hope that if you see me acting differently - you would tell me. 
I will try to free my mind and think outside the box.  I will try to accept others for what they believe and I will try to be tolerant - but you can be sure, too, that I will still always be a believer in God and His bible and His Son.  I will defend my faith and my God for as long as I live and I will continue to try and become more like Him every day.  If that is being closed minded... then count me in!

Family Reunion

While riding in the car with Salvatore today, he told me that our house was PHAT.  He explained to me that there was a difference between fat and PHAT and we were PHAT.  He told me that he loves our house because of the climbing tree in the front yard, the pool, his awesome bedroom and much, much more.  He loves our neighborhood and he loves his school and he has great friends.  It made me happy to hear hear.  My husband and I specifically picked our house for most of the reasons why Salvatore loves it... so I guess we hit the nail right on the head.  But just as I felt happy for his report, I felt a twinge of sadness too.  You see - I was brought up a little differently.  If you would have asked me what I liked most about where I grew up as a child, I would have rattled off a list of people - not things - that I loved so much.  I would have told you about my sisters and cousins: Josene, John, Steven, Lenore, Lenny, Sal, Debbie, Toni, Leanne and all the rest of them.  I would have told you stories about the games we played and all of the things we did together.  My home was so much bigger than my kids home is today because I had 10 homes that I could feel safe and comfortable and loved in.  I was always so thankful that I grew up where I did because of all of the family that I had living so close by.  It was who we were by culture... Italians who all stuck together.  It was so great - so very special and I will never have it again.  I mourn that for my children, because I know how much they would have loved it too.  When I was a child I just naturally assumed that "we" would always be together.  I assumed that my children would know all of their cousins - first and second and third - because we would all live nearby.  I can literally feel an ache in my heart just writing this now.  It was a gradual loss... One cousin moving out east... one to Westchester... then one to Jersey!  Oh my that was a biggie!  One by one, we all grew up and left 12th street.  Most living nearby - some not.  And as time went on, a spat here and there further divided us.  Most of us still stay in touch via Facebook and occasional phone calls.  We see each other at holidays sometimes.  My cousin is hosting a family reunion at his house this summer so we will get to see just about everyone... but my heart still aches... for me and for my kids.  I so deeply miss my little childhood bubble of a world.  But there is nothing I can do about the choices that we all have made and so I have to accept that this is the way my children are growing up.  They are happy, and they are loved and they have great friends....but oh what a loss!  I sometimes dream of winning the lottery and surprising all of my relatives with a great vacation - a time when we could all be together and reminisce.  It would be great to have a few days together to swap old stories and to let our kids really get to know their cousins.  It would be great to see my Aunt and my mother sit down for a cup of coffee... Maybe, someday.  For now, I will look forward to that family reunion with anticipation and excitement and day dream back in time to 12th street and those beloved endless childhood days.

Field Day

Today was field day at our elementary school.  It is always a fun day for the kids and a hot day for the adults.  I was happy to be a part of it as I always am happy to be where my children can see me!  Most of the kids get through field day with ease.  They can do all of the events.  They can hop, jump, kick, catch, throw, balance and much more.  But there is a small percentage of kids that can't.  I'm not just talking about the kids who aren't athletic - I am talking about the kids who CAN'T.  They have a disability, an obstacle or an issue that prevents them from being able to do what comes natural to most kids.  There are only a handful of these kids - but they are there.  I tend to gravitate towards these kids.  I love them.  I want to advocate for them and I want them to be as involved as they can be.  I want them to feel the satisfaction of a job well done and I want them to feel the excitement of teamwork!  Most of you know that my son, Angelo has faced a few obstacles of his own.  He has add - or adhd - or focusing issues - whatever you want to call it.  It is not severe.  It is not life threatening - so I am not trying to put him in a category that he isn't in.  He is smart and he is able...  he just can't seem to get those ants out of his pants.  Years ago, a child like Angelo would have been labeled as difficult and maybe even slow because we didn't have the knowledge or resources in schools to give him the help he needs to succeed.  I am so happy to say that Angelo has never felt like he was difficult or slow... he has consistently been encouraged by most of the adults around him.  At first, when he was in pre-school - he was encouraged by his teachers there.  He went to pre-school at my church and the teachers there knew him very well - but they always went above and beyond to help him succeed.  At Sunday school, his teachers went out of their way to find a "task" for Angelo so he would be able to focus better on the lesson.  And finally when he went to school, he was placed in the blended program and with the most fabulous teachers a mom could ask for.  He was encouraged and praised and taught in a way that was perfect for him!  What a blessing.  My prayers have been answered over and over again for my Angelo.  God has given him exactly what he needed.  Loving teachers and mentors to guide him in a positive way.  They found his strengths and showed him how to run with them.  Angelo is a great student today.  He is reading at grade level - he is writing at grade level - he is excelling in math and science and he is HAPPY!  We are so thankful!  So when I see children who have an obvious issue coming to my station in filed day I want to hug them.  I want to be to them what others have been to my son.  I want them to excell and conquer and be happy!  I think that we should all treat these children with extra love.  I know that if we all treated them that way - we would see them take off and do things that we never expected them to do.  They may be special - they may be different - but they deserve to feel happy and loved and part of the normal student body.  I pray that I can make a small difference in some of their lives and I pray that others try to do the same. 

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. - Matthew 18:10

Confirmation Sunday

Yesterday was "Confirmation Sunday" at my church.  What a difference from the Confirmation I received as a young adult.  The children that stood before me today were there because they felt ready to express openly their desire to be followers of Christ.  They had completed a course and really learned about the bible.  They were on stage reciting verses from the bible and they were present in their decision to have a relationship with Christ.
Now let's back up about 10 years in my life - I wouldn't have been caught dead in that church.  I was raised as a Roman Catholic - after all I am Italian - and the Italians... well they're Catholic.  I did all of the right things as a Catholic... made my Communion, Confirmation, Penance, went to Confession, said my Hail Mary's and all of that.  But there was still something missing.  I never really liked going to church.  I went out of obligation and guilt.  I went into church feeling like God was a punishing God and that I had to follow a certain set of "rules" to get to Heaven.  That is what I was taught from my church. "Follow these rules and you will get in!"  I was mislead.
I tried to stay with the Catholics - even when I felt uncomfortable.  I read book after book about the makeup of the church and the reasons for the rules they made.  I tried to talk to the priests but could never get an appointment with any of them.  I cried out to MY CHURCH - this was supposed to be my church and I was left feeling alone and confused.  I am not trying to be a Catholic basher here - there are some great churches out there.  And I know plenty of great Catholics - people who really connect with God through the things they learn in the Catholic church.  I just wasn't one of them.
So it was so awesome yesterday to see these kids - young adults - children - whatever you see them as - make their Confirmation as Christians.  These children have a great understanding of the Bible - which is important whether you are Catholic, Protestant, Born Again or any other form of Christian.  They have a strong desire to follow Christ.  They were there because they wanted to be there.  They had to own their decision and had to testify to the entire church their desire.
I look forward to the day when my children choose to make their Confirmation.  To be able to sit in a packed church and watch my sons proclaim their faith and desire to follow Christ will surely go down as a special day in the Lupo household.  I know that the foundation that we are trying to lay for our children will serve them well all throughout their lives.  I pray that they choose to follow the Bible and to follow Christ.  I know that they will feel the contentment and peace that comes with it and it will help them to get through their lives.
I am so inspired by the children from yesterday.  If they are the future leaders of our country... then we are in good hands. I pray that I can somehow, someway show my friends and family the love of Christ.  I pray that they come to know Him and follow the bible.  I pray that those who do not believe will come to know the truth. 
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. John 10: 27-28

OK - so I wrote this blog and now I am sitting here trying to decide if I should post it.  See I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to scare anyone either.  10 years ago - I would have called me a Holy Roller!  Maybe I am  - but really I am just a Mom and wife and daughter and friend who wants the best for her family and for her life... and the best is... God.  I am not afraid to tell people that I am a Christian.  I am not afraid to tell people I follow Jesus.  But I am afraid of the way maybe some people receive it.  I don't want to be too over the top.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable - because I remember feeling that way about Christians.  I remember thinking that all Christians were crazy and closed minded and freaky... I remember. But I have learned that most of the Christians I know are loving and kind and just want the best for them and their families... God!  I hope you understand what I am trying to say.  I hope you can relate to me - and I hope you still follow my blog.  
Thanks! -TheFullNancy

There is a way... by newworldson

You say love is just a word, just four letters in a row.
Just a thing that people say, or they never tell you so.
And you use every excuse, to let nobody in.
Now this cloud you bring around, has become your only friend.

And everybody saying that it's going to go away, but it don't go.
And everybody's telling you one day it's going to change,
but you don't know, if it's really going to end.
But there is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

But if love became a man, if the word had flesh and bone.
Would you recognize His face, if He came to bring you home.
You think you're all alone, gotta do it on your own riding solo.
Is there someone you can call, when you stumble and fall?
Cause you don't know, if you'll be getting up again.

There is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

Don't you think your life's worth saving?
Don't you know that love's amazing?
Don't you want to lay your troubles down?
Lay them down.

If I thought love was just a word, I might feel the same way too.
But there's so much more than that, and it's waiting here for you.

There is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way,
there is a way,
there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
Come on, there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
There is a way,
there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
There is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
Ooooh, there is a way back home.
Truth and the life and the way.

The Mama in seat 27A

I hate to fly.  It is a fear that I picked up from my mother.  She was a white knuckle flyer.  "It's just not natural" she would say.  "We belong on the ground."  I couldn't agree more.  I remember going on a plane with her... she would sit in the same seat for the entire trip... even if it was 10 hours long for fear that if she got up the plane would shift... everyone should stay seated!  I see her point.  But I decided that as a mother myself I
would try to break this cycle of fear and try not to pass it on to my own children.  After all - in every other aspect of my life I can say... "God is in control"... it's just that mama always said....
So it's no surprise that I can spot a white knuckel flyer from a mile away.  The fear in their face, the repeated swallowing - as if all of the spit has dried from their mouths - the blank stare as they try to stay calm... I know the look... so I was confused last week when I saw a woman who appeared to fit the description.  They were sitting in the row behind us - Mom and Dad with 4 children - 3 older boys and the cutest little 3 year old girl.  They got on the plane and settled in - the mom and I sharing knowing glances as we tried to settle our kids in for the flight. I thought I could peg her as a white knuckle flyer - but something about her was different.  She smiled politely at me - but she was cold and dismissive to her children.  The cute little girl was so excited - bouncing up and down saying... Mama look at this and Mama look at that.  The Mama - totally unresponsive.  The older brother was sitting on the other side of the little girl and he seemed to be the one to take care of her. My mind was racing - what was wrong with this woman?  Why was she so cut of from her children?  Was she scared of the flight?  Was she just a mean Mama?  and then it dawned on me - maybe she was depressed...  The look she had - It wasn't fear - it was depression... I have seen that look before staring back at me from my own bathroom mirror.  She was consumed with depression and I knew it. 
I wanted to talk to her so badly - I wanted to help!  "I have been there" I wanted to scream.  It will pass - you will be OK!  I wanted to open up my Jesus can on her and tell her that He understood and He was with there all the way.  I wanted to hug her and sit with her and give her a small glimmer of hope.  I remember sitting and staring for hours stuck in a sea of depression.  I was short with my kids, I was short with my husband.  I was so sad.  It took a long time for me to snap out of it - and when I did I wondered about the
aftermath... had I damaged my children by "neglecting" them?  Had I hardened them in some way by not showing them the full happiness and love they deserved?  Had I failed as a mother?  All of these thoughts were racing through my head as I tried not to obviously stare at the Mama.  And then I looked at the whole picture - here was the depressed Mama with her 4 children and they looked OK.  The little girl was as happy as can be - the 3 sons...fine. They looked OK.  Even the dad was ok - occasionally disciplining the kids and taking the little one to the potty....  I felt hope!  These children were OK - the dad... OK!  They were making it through Mamas depression - just like my family did. 
You never know the lessons you will learn as you "travel" through life... you just never know.  I pryed for Mama.  I smiled at her and wondered if we would cross paths on our vacation... I hoped that we would.  My biggest wish would be for an automatic Starbucks to pop open so Mama and I could get a cup of coffee together.  But I guess that I will just be content knowing that Mama will probably be OK - the kids will make it out OK and their marriage... maybe with a few bumps and bruises, will survive.  I will continue to pray for
Mama, and hope to catch up with her at Cindarellas castle.