The 5 second delay

I have noticed lately that I am running on a 5 second delay.  I can't seem to think straight for at least 5 seconds when one of my children ask me a question.  It is as if my brain is trying to figure out a tough math equation.  This had me worried for a bit... until I figured out why. 
When you are a mother of three children (or 2 or 1!) - you are in a constant state of protection, discipline and fear.  Whenever they ask me a question I use the first second to comprehend the question.... "Mom, can I feed the fish?"  and at first the question may seem harmless and you may want to blurt out..."Sure son, that would be so helpful" as you sigh a blissful sigh of "O how wonderful my helpful kids are".  But you stop.... tick tock another second has gone by...then you think... does he really want to feed the fish - or does he just want to play with the water?  letting him feed the fish will give him independence... but I will get a backache cleaning up the flakes and the water from the floor... tick tock.  Maybe I just need to pick my battles here - I mean how much water can he actually splash out?  Am I making too much of a big deal here? and then you snap back into reality 5 seconds later and answer... cautiously "OK". 
Sometimes the 5 second delay turns into a 10 second delay.  This is when I wait a few seconds before I say "what?" and have them repeat the question to me.  Like just before... Salvatore asked me if he could sign up for  nexon account.  I balked, stalled, and had to say "what?" more than once.  Maybe that is because I have never heard of a nexon account and it took me longer to understand the question.  My brain had to catch up with the information.  Then the answer took twice as long to reach my lips.  What is a nexon account?  Is it safe?  Should I allow him to play with his ipod so much?  Maybe I should ask my husband - he would know.  Am I giving in too much?  Will this cause my son to get hooked on video games - and then do drugs and then end up in jail and then have to live on the streets?
Finally I blurted out "Um yeah, OK - I trust you, Sal"  I mean how bad could it be - the main website is in Korean - no threat there - Salvatore can't read Korean... or can he?  Maybe this nexon thing is just a cover up for some pre-pubescent smutty website... and then I am really in a whirlwind of 5 second delays.
I think I could run around all day in a constant delay - second guessing every decision and plan that I make - but who has time for this?
For now I will learn to embrace the 5 second delay and realize that God has given me, and countless other mothers, this 5 second delay as a sort of way to determine risks and then act accordingly.  It is a cushion, a buffer and a minute (or 5 seconds) of contemplation.  It is something that you acquire with age and wisdom... and wrinkles.  It is like a badge of honor.
In the distance I hear Vincent call "Mom, can I have a lollipop?"  No delay here - I immediately say "Yes, and bring me one too!"  I understood the question, contemplated the risks and replied in a timely manner... but that was an easy one! I'll save the 5 seconds for the tough ones!

My Angel

My sweet little Angelo will be 9 years old on Friday.  He is an "Angel" and I love him so much.  It has been a long road for Angelo & me - we have been through alot.  He is my one child that has made me really have to be a parent. 
When he was born... Jaundice - back in the hospital for a few days... I was forced to parent for the first time and make serious medical decisions... even though he is my second child... Salvatore was so by the book - but my little Angel... he wanted to pave my parenting way! 
When he was 2 years old... a fever for 21 days!  Blood tests and lots of worry.  What could it be?  The conclusion was that we would try to take out his tonsils to see if that made a difference - and even though Salvatore's were already out - Angelo's ordeal seemed so much more of an emergency... so much more intense.  The tonsillectomy worked.  Fever was gone.  Wrinkles were getting deeper and deeper on my face.  More parenting. More learning between Angelo and me. 
Between the ages of 3 & 4 I began to notice differences between Angelo and other children.  He was wired differently - perfectly - but differently.  I loved him and do love him so much.  He was so sweet - I called him my spirited child.  Always on the go - and always so charming.  After several evaluations we determined that Angelo had ADD.  I was assured that Angelo would get all the help he needed and I was content... for a while.  I didn't realize that I was about to embark on a whirlwind journey with my son that would take me from the medical field to natural healing and everywhere in between. 
He is wired differently, my son.  He is AWESOME!  But the concerns I have over him have brought me to my knees many more times than I care to admit.  I feel so helpless over him at times and so very worried.  You see - I am a naturalist at heart - I steer away from drugs to cure and I have always been a huge advocate of anything organic.  I naturally want to do the opposite of what all of Angelo's doctors want to do.  I want to help my baby - I want to find a way to "cure" him of anything that might cause him to feel anxiety or pain.  I think I want what every mom wants - I want him to be happy and healthy. 
I am at such a crossroads in this situation.  I have several doctors telling me that Angelo needs medication for his ADD.  I disagree - I feel in my heart that there has to be a better way for him.  I just know it!  I struggle with feeling like I don't have enough medical education to go back at the doctors and tell them NO!  I have bottles of medications on my shelf... ones that we have tried and ones waiting for us to try... but I am at a sticking point.  I do not want to use medication to numb my child.  I do not want to give him medication that causes him anxiety and worry and I certainly don't want to medicate him to make his teachers job easier - I don't think that is what medication should be used for. 
Angelo and I have worked so hard at learning to trust one another - I need to listen to what he has to say... He will be 9 years old and I think he is ready to take an active role in his health care.  We are off to the neurologist today... basically to let them know that we are off medication and we have been since June.  We are using supplements and vitamins - trying to stay away from preservatives and food dyes - eating as much organic as our budget will allow, seeing a chiropractor and going "natural" for a while. 
God gave me this perfect, special, wonderful, amazing, beautiful boy and I owe it to Him to take the best care of Angelo that I can.  I need to find a peace within myself before I can move on medically with Angelo - I need to make Angelo my partner and allow him to make medical decisions with me.  I need to love him and protect him and discipline him and pray for him.  And wait... wait for some clarity - some clear cut direction and some peace.  I know this is such a hot topic for so many families out there... and I know that there are children who definitely need medication to succeed - I am not trying to knock anyone or start a riot.  I just know my son, and I know all that he is capable of - off medication - I just know that we will find a way - it may involve medication in the future... but for right now... we will just finish out the summer with our own agenda... sand between our toes - chlorine in our hair - fun times with family and friends and worry free!  Just like God wants us to be. 

I need a break

Just yesterday I posted on Facebook that I was taking a break from the all popular site for a few weeks.  I am an avid facebooker but I started to realize that maybe it was consuming too much of my time.  After all - I declared Monday to be "Media Free Monday" to our children at home and one of my biggest rules is "no media used in the house during school days"  except of course for me!  I would leave the site up on my desktop - checking it every few minutes... did someone respond to my funny post - did my neighbors, half sister's, daughters, sons, wife have the baby yet?  What is is about facebook that has me so hooked?  I will sit and look at an old friends Aunt's photos and look through the profiles of people I hardly know for hours... Whats up with this?  It is procrastination at its best.  The more I thought about it the clearer it became to me that I really don't need facebook in my life.  I know it is a great way to keep in touch and to see old friends and I know I will stay on as a user - but the time sucking has got to stop.  Maybe now I can get back to reading or sleeping or having a conversation with one of my kids without having one eye on the computer.  Sure it has been hard today to not click over - and the fact that I can stalk Facebook from my phone is so tempting - but I am going to try and stick it out - till August 1st!  I know this will post on Facebook because that is one of the ways I advertise a new post - but you can be assured that I will not be clicking on to see it from there.  If you need me - you can call like in the old days.  If it is your birthday. anniversary, first date, last date, first day with a new toothpaste, or you are waiting on line at the grocery store 3 people behind the lady with triplets that bought everything in threes... I will find out sooner or later.  If my neighbors half sister's daughters sons wife has the baby- I'm sure I will hear about that too!  In the meantime call me and maybe you can even stop by for a cup of coffee.  You might just find me curled up with a good book using up all of these fabulous Facebook free minutes. 

I was wrong...(hard to admit)

Each year in July I have a great responsibility.  I am the Assistant Director for a Vacation Bible School at my church.  I am sure many of you can relate to what a huge task it would be to place and look over 200 plus children and 90 plus staff.  It is HUGE - but I love it. 
Would you believe it if I told you that a few years back I hated VBS?  I thought that only crazy - bible bashing - weird hippie Jesus loving freaks would send their children there.  I would shake my head at my then sister in law when she told me my nephew was going thinking... that poor girl is so mislead - she is nuts!  A whole week of brain washing - bible thumping!  Ugh!  Not for me!  But I was wrong.  (hard to admit) I was so wrong.
The perspective I had about VBS is what helps me to be a better leader today.  Because I remember the way I felt about it and the church - I can help to assure others that VBS is not for weird hippie loving Jesus freaks - well OK the staff and lots of the kids are Jesus lovers - but they are not weird and they do not bible bash - they are just regular people with a firm belief in God, Jesus and the bible.  They are some of the best people I know.
I get so excited to share "my" church with others.  I love that these visitors can come and see my church in all its glory - serving the community and serving these families in such a positive way.  VBS is an awesome week of happy, fun, crazy, horse riding, water balloon, singing and learning all in the name of Jesus.  The kids love it - the volunteers love it and I love it.
So I wonder why - after such an amazing week that some of the people who are there visiting don't want to jump right in and start coming to my church.  Can't they see all that this church has to offer?  Can't they see the awesome network of friends?  Can't they see the kind and compassionate side of these church people like I did?  Can't they see?  They sit there stuck in a meaningless world filled with hatred and self pity - when all the while there is this party going on right around them that they are encouraged to join.
Maybe they hold back out of fear - after all who wants to look like a Jesus freak?  I know I didn't... Maybe they don't feel worthy of receiving love - especially from strangers.  I know I didn't... Maybe they are just stuck in old traditions and scared to explore what is not "normal" to them.  I know I was...  But I found that when I did start to open up and let go of my fear and allow others to show me what they had, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. 
Let's put Jesus aside for a minute here... when I started going to this church it wasn't because of Jesus or God or really for any faith reason.  It was because of the people I met at the church.  They were the real reason I started going.  I was jealous of the people.  I wanted what they had - I wanted to be happy and to have a great group of friends that I could rely on - people that would always steer me in the right direction - friends with good advice and lots of love.  No gossip - no back stabbing.  That is what I saw at first... what I got was so much more. 
As I started opening up and listening and reading and learning I finally figured out the real reason I was there.  It was to build my faith and belief in God, Jesus and the Bible that was the only real way to get what they had.  The reason why they love, is because they are trying to show God's love.  They reason why they care is the same.  They do not gossip - and hold each other accountable for the same.  They give great advice - because they are speaking from a solid and firm background of faith.  They are the body of Christ... they are doing His work.
Now I don't want to get all bible bashy here and I don't want to freak anyone out... I just wish that others could see all that they could have... if they just gave it a chance.  If they just softened a little - just a little - and opened up - they would see all that they could have - a life filled with happiness and Joy - a great group of friends - lots of love - and yes, at the core of it all... Jesus.
He is the way, the truth and the life and I hope and pray that I have done His work at VBS - leading people to Him - showing people about Him and helping to remove a stereotype here and there.  I pray that all who are lost will find Him and feel the love! I pray for people to see the truth... and explore the possibilities.  I know they won't be sorry they did.

Learning how to make friends

Monday was the 4th of July.  I spent the better part of the day at my neighbors house.  She invited a few families from around the way.  The kids had a great time playing with their friends and I did too - because, you see when I was growing up... I had no friends.  I don't think I had friends until I hit high school.  I didn't need any.  I had 20 cousins who all lived on the same block.  We ate together, slept together, played together - we vacationed together - we were always together.  They were my friends - they were my playmates - they were my summer.  It was natural to me that my children would grow up the same way - with all of their cousins around... but circumstances out of my control dictated otherwise.  My children have no cousins to play with.  Their oldest cousin is never around and my sister moved away - so their closest cousins are far, far away.  Don't get me wrong - we do get to see the cousins and we try to spend as much time together as we can-  but as far as the daily grind - it's friends that we play with - not cousins.  This is so hard for me.  It is foreign.  It is weird.  When I was growing up it was the Americans that had friends.  The non-Italians who ate white bread and things like Sloppy Joes.   Us Italians all lived together - we didn't need anyone else.  It was kind of closed minded and inside the box - but that's just the way we lived.  It's not that we didn't want friends - it's just that we were so consumed by the family events that we didn't need any friends.  Our family was so big and loud that we probably scared away any potential friend anyway. 
I am thankful for all of the friends I spent time with Monday night.  I felt happy and loved and my kids had a blast.  I was excited to make future plans for this week - again to hang out with friends.  These people are filling in for my family.  They are taking on the role of "aunt" and "uncle", "cousin" and "brother" with just a few extra formalities.  As we sat around chatting - I couldn't help but remember my mother sitting with my Aunts and Uncles... chatting.  We could be them... without the family ties and I am OK with that. 
I am so thankful for my neighbor, Christine.  I love that we share coffee and juicy stories on a daily basis.  I love that my kids feel as comfortable in her house as they do in mine and vice versa.  I love that our husbands work on projects together and help each other out all the time.  She and her family are filling in a huge void in my life - and they do it perfectly.  I can always count on her and I hope she would say the same about me.
It's amazing... but I think I am finally learning how to make friends... something I should have learned in Kindergarten.

My Hot Spot

I am a New Yorker through and through - so why can't I get this feeling out of my head - that maybe I am a little displaced?  Maybe, just maybe I was meant to be someplace else.  My sister calls it my "Hot Spot".  She says that one day I will live in a "Hot Spot" and wear flowing clothes.  I think she is right.  I mean I love New York - but I am a tropical girl down at heart.  I love to vacation where there are palm trees and for my honeymoon I picked Hawaii.  I dream of Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain... wait that's a song - but you get the picture.  I wonder what the heck my grandparents were thinking when they decided to move... here!  I mean did they really leave their country, settle in the city and then take a train to Babylon and say... "OOOOOHHHHH Here - this is where I want to be - right here in the middle of nowhere".  I have heard my mother say that my grandmother choose NOT to live on the water because it wasn't safe.  Great choice grandma!  And the same goes for my husband's family.  They came from Italy, moved to the city and then took the train a little further - but not quite as far as the Hamptons - like 10 minutes shy of it... in Shirley - what were they thinking?  I am happy that I was brought up around family - I just wish the location was a little different... so as I write this I think of my children.  I am making the choices that write their story.  Am I making the right ones?  I know Angelo is a tropical boy, Salvatore just wants to fish and Vince would be happy nestled anywhere as long as he is next to me.  I think about my hot spot - where will it be?  Will I ever get there?  Or maybe my  hot spot just consists of a string of tropical vacations played out over time.  I don't know where the future will take us - I just hope we are together and that maybe, occasionally we can see a palm tree in the distance.

To Paumanok class of 2011

Today was graduation day!   I am so proud of all of the kids from Paumanok.  During the ceremony, they sang the song below.  It was so touching - the words are so true... especially from a child.  "I'm that little bit of hope - when my backs against the ropes."  They are our little bit of hope - our children.  I hope you enjoy the song. 

"The World's Greatest" by R. Kelly
http://youtu.be/ssqOJ0s71S0


I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country

I am a river
Down in the valley
Oh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly

If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle

I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero

If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
And the world will notice a king
When all is darkest, I'll shine a light
And use a success you'll find in me

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

It's the greatest
Can you feel it
It's the greatest
Can you feel it

I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow

He's three days old!

I knew it was coming - I just knew it - but the relentless march of time got the best of me.  I was a new mother, and my son was three days old.  I was weepy and so hormonal that it was no wonder that I was crying... "He's three days old!" I cried to my sister.  She sat there looking at me - not yet a mother - but soon to be and said..."Yeah - he's only three days old..."  like she totally didn't get it - but I did.  9 months of pregnancy - GONE - hours of labor - OVER - and here he was and three days had passed ALREADY!  Where had the time gone - it was three days ALREADY!  I mourned the fact the he was so... old. 

I knew what this meant.  Three days would turn into three weeks then months then years and now...  I tried to savor every moment - the fading baby smell - the first tooth - first steps - and in a blur it went by.  Before I knew it - we had Angelo - years - then Vincent - years - we moved into a new home - years - 1st day of kindergarten! - years - he can swim now! - years - he plays the piano! - years - he is in 5th grade! WOW!  I can't believe it.  He is almost taller than me... his feet are bigger than mine - this sweet baby that was cradled in my arms - not that long ago... but years away.  Tomorrow he will graduate from elementary school and I know that the next few years will fly by and before I know it he will be graduating from High School - years.

I am so proud of him I can hardly stand it.  he is such a kind and gentle soul.  He is, as I call him, my "Best Big Boy".  He is a friend to everyone and does not see limitations in anyone he meets.  His catch word is GREAT!  Sal, how was school? GREAT - How was your day? GREAT - and he is great!  Always with a smile - always willing to help - always there to share a hearty laugh.  I love him as any mother would - but I LIKE him as a person too.  He is someone I would want to spend time with. 

I am so looking forward to the next few years with him - and to seeing where his life takes me.  I thank God for him and all of my boys and I am so in love with my life.  I just want to freeze this time - because before I know it... he'll be three days older.

Your will, not mine be done...

There is a verse in the bible from the book of Mark -"Abba, Father! You can do all things. Let me not have this cup {of suffering}. But do what you want, not what I want."

I think this may be one of the hardest verses in the Bible - for me anyway.  We have an awesome God who can do all things - but sometimes the things God wants are not what we want.  Sometimes what we ache for are things that are just not meant to be... they are just not God's will.  I truly believe that God does not want to see us suffer and I believe that He wants to give us what we want - but we are not God and we can't see the "BIG picture".  It is so hard!  

As a child I remember my heart aching for the coolest 10 speed bicycle and then as I got older my heart ached for the college acceptance letter I wanted - but as an adult... the aches are much more real - much more significant.  I try not to spend too much time asking for or praying for or wishing for material things.  I have most of what I want - God has been good to me - but there are things as an adult and a mother that I ache for.  I ache for my children - that they are safe and healthy - I ache for wanting to live to a ripe old age so I can see them live their lives.  I ache for my parents that they would take care of themselves so that they can enjoy those same things.  I ache or myself - when I make mistakes and ask for Gods forgiveness - when I am anxious - when I am scared.  I pray and ask for all of these things and then leave it to God to do His will.  And although every day that goes by it seems that my prayers have been answered, it is still hard to let go of the prayers and let God's will be done.  But I do it because I trust God.  

That being said... I have an old friend from college.  He was in one of the fraternities that our sorority hung out with.  We weren't great friends... just friends by default because our groups of friends were friends.  He has a child who is very sick.  There are thousands of people praying for him and his family - thousands - and his son is still sick.  It is so scary to pray for God's will on this one.  It's not that I don't trust God - I do and I know that He loves Ty more than anyone here on earth does - but what if God's will is not the will of the thousands here praying?  What if the outcomes don't match up?  What if God has a different plan?  It is hard to think about and this is not even my child... yet I feel like part of him is.  I am a mother - and watching this all play out tugs at my maternal nerves.  I read the posts about Ty and I am immediately connected to this child - just because I have children of my own.  I am not trying to say that I understand all that they are going through - not by a long shot - but the mom in me is scared.  This could be any child - this could be my child - and for the first time I am scared of God's will.  I ache for this child to be healed and I pray and I cry and my mind wanders to dark places and so I pray harder and harder.  But God's will will be done and we have to trust that He knows what's best.  We have to hope for the miracle and hope for the things that we want to be part of God's plan and then truly leave the rest to Him.  We have to let go of what we know and trust Him.  It is so hard!  It can be heartbreaking and frustrating and scary - but that is what we are called to do.  Let His will be done and accept it.    

I will pray with hope for Ty and his family and I will pray for peace and comfort and I will pray for understanding.  But I think the biggest thing I can pray for for them and for all of us is acceptance - not to give up - but acceptance that God has a plan and that His plan is perfect and we may not understand it... now... but He's got a plan!  He knows the desires of all of our hearts and He wants to give us what we want - maybe we just need to let go long enough so He can give it. 

 

My Own Little World

I have had a bad day.  It was nothing tragic - just a series of situations that made me think that I should have stayed in bed.  As I was wallowing around in my own self pity, I heard this song on the radio.  My Own Little World.  It is so true.  What if while I am so wrapped up in me, I am missing something like the song says.  I need to focus OUT today instead of in.  I think that is just the right prescription to get me out of this bad mood.  Hope you enjoy the song...

My Own Little World - by Matthew West

In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me

I try to stay awake during Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts
I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
Yeah, it’s easy to do when it’s
Population: me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now

Outside my own little world oooh

Stopped at a red light, looked out my window
I saw a cardboard sign, said “Help this homeless widow”
Above that sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, “God, what have I been doing?”

So I rolled down the window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by?
So I gave her some money then I drove on through
And my own little world reached
Population two

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now

Outside my own little world yeah, yeah
 
My own little world oooh

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
That I could be living right now

I don't want to miss what matters
I wanna be reaching out
Show me the greater purpose
So I can start livin right now

Outside my own little world oooh

Outside My own little world yeah yeah

Outside My own little world oooh

Nancy is soooo closed minded!

I think there is a fine line between having a firm belief in something and being closed minded.  People have, in the past, called me closed minded because of my faith.  I try so hard not to be and to really listen to others... but when you have such a strong belief in something, it's hard to accept that others may not agree with you.  I don't really want them to agree with me - I want them to experience what I have and to know the secure feeling that comes with my faith.  I want them to want to agree with me.  My faith has brought me so much comfort and has grounded me and my family so much and I think that is what alot of people are looking for these days.  I wish I knew of a way that I could show others how I feel... but the best way I can come up with is to be an example of what God is to me, to others.  It's not easy - and I screw up all the time - but if I can show it to even just one person, then I will be satisfied.  The gift of my faith is for everyone.  It is simple:  I am a true believer in the Bible as God's Holy Word.  I believe it to be true and infallible.  I believe that Jesus is the Son of God that died on a cross to save me from my sins.  I believe in Heaven and I know that I will go there someday.  Simple... yet so complicated too.  I can see how the world is so twisted... all different kinds of people believing all different kinds of things... and each one of them believing that theirs is the truth and the way that others should go.  It's hard because I don't want to alienate others by saying that they are wrong... it's just that I believe so strongly in my faith that they must be the ones who got it wrong... and so goes the world all twisted and confused.  I just know that with Christ on my side I am safe and I am loved and want everyone to feel that way.  Maybe I will always be seen as closed minded - and that's OK.  I will still try to be to others what Christ is to me and I hope that if you see me acting differently - you would tell me. 
I will try to free my mind and think outside the box.  I will try to accept others for what they believe and I will try to be tolerant - but you can be sure, too, that I will still always be a believer in God and His bible and His Son.  I will defend my faith and my God for as long as I live and I will continue to try and become more like Him every day.  If that is being closed minded... then count me in!

Family Reunion

While riding in the car with Salvatore today, he told me that our house was PHAT.  He explained to me that there was a difference between fat and PHAT and we were PHAT.  He told me that he loves our house because of the climbing tree in the front yard, the pool, his awesome bedroom and much, much more.  He loves our neighborhood and he loves his school and he has great friends.  It made me happy to hear hear.  My husband and I specifically picked our house for most of the reasons why Salvatore loves it... so I guess we hit the nail right on the head.  But just as I felt happy for his report, I felt a twinge of sadness too.  You see - I was brought up a little differently.  If you would have asked me what I liked most about where I grew up as a child, I would have rattled off a list of people - not things - that I loved so much.  I would have told you about my sisters and cousins: Josene, John, Steven, Lenore, Lenny, Sal, Debbie, Toni, Leanne and all the rest of them.  I would have told you stories about the games we played and all of the things we did together.  My home was so much bigger than my kids home is today because I had 10 homes that I could feel safe and comfortable and loved in.  I was always so thankful that I grew up where I did because of all of the family that I had living so close by.  It was who we were by culture... Italians who all stuck together.  It was so great - so very special and I will never have it again.  I mourn that for my children, because I know how much they would have loved it too.  When I was a child I just naturally assumed that "we" would always be together.  I assumed that my children would know all of their cousins - first and second and third - because we would all live nearby.  I can literally feel an ache in my heart just writing this now.  It was a gradual loss... One cousin moving out east... one to Westchester... then one to Jersey!  Oh my that was a biggie!  One by one, we all grew up and left 12th street.  Most living nearby - some not.  And as time went on, a spat here and there further divided us.  Most of us still stay in touch via Facebook and occasional phone calls.  We see each other at holidays sometimes.  My cousin is hosting a family reunion at his house this summer so we will get to see just about everyone... but my heart still aches... for me and for my kids.  I so deeply miss my little childhood bubble of a world.  But there is nothing I can do about the choices that we all have made and so I have to accept that this is the way my children are growing up.  They are happy, and they are loved and they have great friends....but oh what a loss!  I sometimes dream of winning the lottery and surprising all of my relatives with a great vacation - a time when we could all be together and reminisce.  It would be great to have a few days together to swap old stories and to let our kids really get to know their cousins.  It would be great to see my Aunt and my mother sit down for a cup of coffee... Maybe, someday.  For now, I will look forward to that family reunion with anticipation and excitement and day dream back in time to 12th street and those beloved endless childhood days.

Field Day

Today was field day at our elementary school.  It is always a fun day for the kids and a hot day for the adults.  I was happy to be a part of it as I always am happy to be where my children can see me!  Most of the kids get through field day with ease.  They can do all of the events.  They can hop, jump, kick, catch, throw, balance and much more.  But there is a small percentage of kids that can't.  I'm not just talking about the kids who aren't athletic - I am talking about the kids who CAN'T.  They have a disability, an obstacle or an issue that prevents them from being able to do what comes natural to most kids.  There are only a handful of these kids - but they are there.  I tend to gravitate towards these kids.  I love them.  I want to advocate for them and I want them to be as involved as they can be.  I want them to feel the satisfaction of a job well done and I want them to feel the excitement of teamwork!  Most of you know that my son, Angelo has faced a few obstacles of his own.  He has add - or adhd - or focusing issues - whatever you want to call it.  It is not severe.  It is not life threatening - so I am not trying to put him in a category that he isn't in.  He is smart and he is able...  he just can't seem to get those ants out of his pants.  Years ago, a child like Angelo would have been labeled as difficult and maybe even slow because we didn't have the knowledge or resources in schools to give him the help he needs to succeed.  I am so happy to say that Angelo has never felt like he was difficult or slow... he has consistently been encouraged by most of the adults around him.  At first, when he was in pre-school - he was encouraged by his teachers there.  He went to pre-school at my church and the teachers there knew him very well - but they always went above and beyond to help him succeed.  At Sunday school, his teachers went out of their way to find a "task" for Angelo so he would be able to focus better on the lesson.  And finally when he went to school, he was placed in the blended program and with the most fabulous teachers a mom could ask for.  He was encouraged and praised and taught in a way that was perfect for him!  What a blessing.  My prayers have been answered over and over again for my Angelo.  God has given him exactly what he needed.  Loving teachers and mentors to guide him in a positive way.  They found his strengths and showed him how to run with them.  Angelo is a great student today.  He is reading at grade level - he is writing at grade level - he is excelling in math and science and he is HAPPY!  We are so thankful!  So when I see children who have an obvious issue coming to my station in filed day I want to hug them.  I want to be to them what others have been to my son.  I want them to excell and conquer and be happy!  I think that we should all treat these children with extra love.  I know that if we all treated them that way - we would see them take off and do things that we never expected them to do.  They may be special - they may be different - but they deserve to feel happy and loved and part of the normal student body.  I pray that I can make a small difference in some of their lives and I pray that others try to do the same. 

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. - Matthew 18:10

Confirmation Sunday

Yesterday was "Confirmation Sunday" at my church.  What a difference from the Confirmation I received as a young adult.  The children that stood before me today were there because they felt ready to express openly their desire to be followers of Christ.  They had completed a course and really learned about the bible.  They were on stage reciting verses from the bible and they were present in their decision to have a relationship with Christ.
Now let's back up about 10 years in my life - I wouldn't have been caught dead in that church.  I was raised as a Roman Catholic - after all I am Italian - and the Italians... well they're Catholic.  I did all of the right things as a Catholic... made my Communion, Confirmation, Penance, went to Confession, said my Hail Mary's and all of that.  But there was still something missing.  I never really liked going to church.  I went out of obligation and guilt.  I went into church feeling like God was a punishing God and that I had to follow a certain set of "rules" to get to Heaven.  That is what I was taught from my church. "Follow these rules and you will get in!"  I was mislead.
I tried to stay with the Catholics - even when I felt uncomfortable.  I read book after book about the makeup of the church and the reasons for the rules they made.  I tried to talk to the priests but could never get an appointment with any of them.  I cried out to MY CHURCH - this was supposed to be my church and I was left feeling alone and confused.  I am not trying to be a Catholic basher here - there are some great churches out there.  And I know plenty of great Catholics - people who really connect with God through the things they learn in the Catholic church.  I just wasn't one of them.
So it was so awesome yesterday to see these kids - young adults - children - whatever you see them as - make their Confirmation as Christians.  These children have a great understanding of the Bible - which is important whether you are Catholic, Protestant, Born Again or any other form of Christian.  They have a strong desire to follow Christ.  They were there because they wanted to be there.  They had to own their decision and had to testify to the entire church their desire.
I look forward to the day when my children choose to make their Confirmation.  To be able to sit in a packed church and watch my sons proclaim their faith and desire to follow Christ will surely go down as a special day in the Lupo household.  I know that the foundation that we are trying to lay for our children will serve them well all throughout their lives.  I pray that they choose to follow the Bible and to follow Christ.  I know that they will feel the contentment and peace that comes with it and it will help them to get through their lives.
I am so inspired by the children from yesterday.  If they are the future leaders of our country... then we are in good hands. I pray that I can somehow, someway show my friends and family the love of Christ.  I pray that they come to know Him and follow the bible.  I pray that those who do not believe will come to know the truth. 
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. John 10: 27-28

OK - so I wrote this blog and now I am sitting here trying to decide if I should post it.  See I don't want to offend anyone and I don't want to scare anyone either.  10 years ago - I would have called me a Holy Roller!  Maybe I am  - but really I am just a Mom and wife and daughter and friend who wants the best for her family and for her life... and the best is... God.  I am not afraid to tell people that I am a Christian.  I am not afraid to tell people I follow Jesus.  But I am afraid of the way maybe some people receive it.  I don't want to be too over the top.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable - because I remember feeling that way about Christians.  I remember thinking that all Christians were crazy and closed minded and freaky... I remember. But I have learned that most of the Christians I know are loving and kind and just want the best for them and their families... God!  I hope you understand what I am trying to say.  I hope you can relate to me - and I hope you still follow my blog.  
Thanks! -TheFullNancy

There is a way... by newworldson

You say love is just a word, just four letters in a row.
Just a thing that people say, or they never tell you so.
And you use every excuse, to let nobody in.
Now this cloud you bring around, has become your only friend.

And everybody saying that it's going to go away, but it don't go.
And everybody's telling you one day it's going to change,
but you don't know, if it's really going to end.
But there is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

But if love became a man, if the word had flesh and bone.
Would you recognize His face, if He came to bring you home.
You think you're all alone, gotta do it on your own riding solo.
Is there someone you can call, when you stumble and fall?
Cause you don't know, if you'll be getting up again.

There is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

Don't you think your life's worth saving?
Don't you know that love's amazing?
Don't you want to lay your troubles down?
Lay them down.

If I thought love was just a word, I might feel the same way too.
But there's so much more than that, and it's waiting here for you.

There is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone.
There is a way,
there is a way,
there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
Come on, there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
There is a way,
there is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
There is a way.
Truth and the life and the way.
Ooooh, there is a way back home.
Truth and the life and the way.

The Mama in seat 27A

I hate to fly.  It is a fear that I picked up from my mother.  She was a white knuckle flyer.  "It's just not natural" she would say.  "We belong on the ground."  I couldn't agree more.  I remember going on a plane with her... she would sit in the same seat for the entire trip... even if it was 10 hours long for fear that if she got up the plane would shift... everyone should stay seated!  I see her point.  But I decided that as a mother myself I
would try to break this cycle of fear and try not to pass it on to my own children.  After all - in every other aspect of my life I can say... "God is in control"... it's just that mama always said....
So it's no surprise that I can spot a white knuckel flyer from a mile away.  The fear in their face, the repeated swallowing - as if all of the spit has dried from their mouths - the blank stare as they try to stay calm... I know the look... so I was confused last week when I saw a woman who appeared to fit the description.  They were sitting in the row behind us - Mom and Dad with 4 children - 3 older boys and the cutest little 3 year old girl.  They got on the plane and settled in - the mom and I sharing knowing glances as we tried to settle our kids in for the flight. I thought I could peg her as a white knuckle flyer - but something about her was different.  She smiled politely at me - but she was cold and dismissive to her children.  The cute little girl was so excited - bouncing up and down saying... Mama look at this and Mama look at that.  The Mama - totally unresponsive.  The older brother was sitting on the other side of the little girl and he seemed to be the one to take care of her. My mind was racing - what was wrong with this woman?  Why was she so cut of from her children?  Was she scared of the flight?  Was she just a mean Mama?  and then it dawned on me - maybe she was depressed...  The look she had - It wasn't fear - it was depression... I have seen that look before staring back at me from my own bathroom mirror.  She was consumed with depression and I knew it. 
I wanted to talk to her so badly - I wanted to help!  "I have been there" I wanted to scream.  It will pass - you will be OK!  I wanted to open up my Jesus can on her and tell her that He understood and He was with there all the way.  I wanted to hug her and sit with her and give her a small glimmer of hope.  I remember sitting and staring for hours stuck in a sea of depression.  I was short with my kids, I was short with my husband.  I was so sad.  It took a long time for me to snap out of it - and when I did I wondered about the
aftermath... had I damaged my children by "neglecting" them?  Had I hardened them in some way by not showing them the full happiness and love they deserved?  Had I failed as a mother?  All of these thoughts were racing through my head as I tried not to obviously stare at the Mama.  And then I looked at the whole picture - here was the depressed Mama with her 4 children and they looked OK.  The little girl was as happy as can be - the 3 sons...fine. They looked OK.  Even the dad was ok - occasionally disciplining the kids and taking the little one to the potty....  I felt hope!  These children were OK - the dad... OK!  They were making it through Mamas depression - just like my family did. 
You never know the lessons you will learn as you "travel" through life... you just never know.  I pryed for Mama.  I smiled at her and wondered if we would cross paths on our vacation... I hoped that we would.  My biggest wish would be for an automatic Starbucks to pop open so Mama and I could get a cup of coffee together.  But I guess that I will just be content knowing that Mama will probably be OK - the kids will make it out OK and their marriage... maybe with a few bumps and bruises, will survive.  I will continue to pray for
Mama, and hope to catch up with her at Cindarellas castle. 

Miss Tammy

My son, Vincent likes cheese.  He will eat a cheese sandwich every day.  I would love to say that I am the mom that gets up early, makes a wholesome breakfast - with all of the food groups represented, and packs a nice well balanced lunch for the kids every day...  but I don't.  It's just not possible, for me anyway.  Even when I get up at 6am (the bus leaves at 8:30), I still find myself racing against the clock to stuff a bag of goldfish and a thermos of water into their snack bags as we plead with the bus driver for "one more minute!".  My time in the morning gets sucked up into a blurred memory of backpacks, socks and pleading for 3 boys to get their shoes on.  So it is not often that I get the chance to make Vince his beloved cheese sandwich.  He has to tough it out and "buy" lunch.  There is always money in his account and plenty of selections for him to choose from... but no cheese sandwich!  You see, the cheese sandwich is reserved for the children that forgot their lunch money - or ran out - or for families that just can't afford the lunch.  How ironic - he wants the cheese - but has to run out of money before the cafeteria will give him the sandwich.
Now Vince is like an old soul.  He gets along better with adults than he does with kids.  On Valentine's day, when I asked him who he wanted to send a valentine to he rattled off a list of teachers and staff - but no kids.  He just relates better to the adults.  He is good at it and he knows how to use his big puppy dog eyes to get what he wants.  This is where Miss Tammy comes in.  Miss Tammy is everywhere in our elementary school.  She is there to help the kids with lunch, she is there to help the staff with projects, she is there!  She loves my son and many other children at Paumanok.  She is like the mom of the school.  Somehow, someway, Vince has cast a spell on Miss Tammy.  When he goes to lunch and decides that he doesn't like the selection of food, he finds Miss Tammy and she gets him the cheese sandwich!  She works that lunch crew to custom make Vincent's lunch to just the way he likes it.  And he has her happy to do it!
Every-time I go into the school - I bump into Miss Tammy and get to hear about the funny things Vince said and did that day.  Recently he asked her to come with us on our trip to Disney.  She was thrilled - but after checking her schedule realized that she couldn't take the days off from work.  After all, who would help the other cheese loving, cash carrying students?
I am so thankful for Miss Tammy (and so many others at Paumanok).  Sending your child off to school can be a scary thing for a parent.  You worry that the people your kids will be spending 6 hours a day with may have some wacky view of the world - and possibly not hold the same values that you do.  You worry about the influence the other kids may have on your child - will he follow the crowd into trouble???  How will I know how he handles all of these things.... I'll tell you how... by getting to know Miss Tammy.
I am sure that Miss Tammy does not know this (she will after she reads this!) - but I prayed for her.  That's right - I prayed for her over and over again.  I prayed that my children would be cared for by people who love them.  I prayed that the adults that they shared their 6 hours a day with would be kind and compassionate.  I prayed that they would help my children navigate through the sometimes confusing elementary circuit.  I prayed!  From the time I have had to leave my kids in the care of others - whether it was pre-school, a playdate, elementary school or even a club - I have prayed for the adults that they would meet.  I am so thankful to God for putting people like Miss Tammy in our lives.  She is a true answer to a simple prayer from a mom.  It is amazing to pray and see the answer God has for you - especially when it is just what you wanted.

Thank you, God for sending Miss Tammy and all of the others who have loved my children.

Pass the tissues please...

What the heck is wrong with me?  Lately all I want to do is cry... not for sadness, but for these bittersweet feeling I am having.  Let's face it - I am going to be 40 - and not "some day" - I am going to be 40 in January.  Am I having a mid life crisis?  Is that what this is?  I can't even look at my kids sometimes - they are so beautiful and I find myself counting my blessings everyday - sometimes several times a day.  The uncertainty of life is a scary thought.  What if this and what if that... what if I crash my car and leave my kids motherless???  What if that stranger lurking in the bathroom really is a danger to them???  What if all those video games really make them violent??? What if?  I guess I just have to trust God and do the best I can.  I pray ALL THE TIME that God gives me the wisdom to make the right choices so we all get through life safe and sound - but I also have to use the tools that God has already given me to follow through.  My husband has become such a big support to me.  It seems like the deeper I get into my "midlife crisis" the more he steps up to the plate.  I hate to admit it, but sometimes he knows better than me (did I just really type that?).  He is strong and concerned at the right times - so I find myself following his cues for when to panic and when to just chill out.  The way my hubby sees it... crashing my car... "well with the way you drive", maybe I need to be more of a focused driver.... the strangers in the bathroom - "not so much" - although I will still probably stand outside of the door yelling... MOMMY IS RIGHT HERE GUYS!, the video games.... "you only let them play on the weekends!  Chill out!" I guess I just have to look at the ratings and let it go!  So is this a midlife crisis?  I don't know.  I guess it's better than getting a tattoo or becoming an obsessive gambler.  Too bad my midlife crisis wasn't the one where you get a new car!  For now - I'm sure I will still look at my kids and well up with tears.  I will still worry and want the best for them.  Maybe this midlife crisis is really just a realization that I don't have control over my life - that I really need to just give it over to God and let Him worry about the rest.  That's so hard to do - but I am going to give it a good try.  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Setting up a blog is confusing...

So I thought I would set up a blog to post about my daily happenings... It's not as easy as I expected.  First of all, I don't type.  Yes I said that I don't type.  I hunt and peck... this could be a problem here.  I must admit that I am pretty good at it and I have learned to peck pretty fast but the set up is confusing to me.  There are so many customizations that I am getting dizzy!  And then to allow ads or not? They say you can get paid from them and everybody likes a little loot - right?  So that is another consideration... for another day.  For now I will just try to figure this thing out.  Packing and getting ready to go to Disney!  Lot's to do.  The Full Nancy